Nervous

When I was in high school I was in an award winning marching band. Being a drum major for said marching band was the ultimate honor. A super big deal!

As a junior, you would interview and audition for drum major if you wanted to be considered. I’d only been in the marching band for 2 seasons at that point. I hadn’t joined until I was a sophomore. I felt like I had leadership qualities and my fellow band members seemed to like me.

We auditioned in front of the band instructor, answering questions and demonstrating our ability to keep a tempo while conducting.

Many people in the band came to me and told me that they thought I would get it. That I’d make a great drum major! I knew I would, but knew there were many other capable candidates and my lack of years of playing would be a disadvantage.

My nerves leading up to it were high. I was nervous. I REALLY wanted it. When it came time for the announcement we all filed into the band room and sat on the risers. The first few drum majors were announced and they were the obvious choices – Tommy, and Tony.

Who would take the final spot?

The “black horse” was announced and Rachel, my best friend at the time, was crowned drum major. I was shocked and genuinely happy for her while my heart broke. I cheered for her, hugged her with genuine pride.

I am feeling the same discomfort tonight that I felt back then before the announcement was made. I have been on the Board of Directors for the University Photographers Association of America for roughly three years. My term is up in December, and I am the incumbent in an election for two seats.

I have really loved being on the board. It’s been a challenge and something new to add to my full life. I enjoy working with the other board members, and I enjoy them as human beings, too.

This year, more people – five – than ever before, have run for a board seat, so I am very worried that I will be bumped from my role Thursday when it’s announced.

It is unspoken “rule” that when an incumbent runs the members vote for them to continue in their role, but this time, who knows?

I can’t say I have a feeling, but I know that I am snarky and blunt, and that’s not for everyone. I am not unkind, but wonder if my sharp edges leave people thinking I am. People have said more than once to me this week, “You always say out loud what everyone thinks but don’t say out loud!”. Someone came to me today and told me they wanted to spend more time with me because they wanted to be more like me – direct, honest, and to the point.

More than one person has eluded that I am intimidating. I have made countless people laugh. Intentionally. I know, too, that I have made many people feel at home by being friendly with them and being genuinely curious about them.

And much like back in the marching band days, when friends told me they thought I’d get it and be great at it, many members came to me to share that they had voted for me. It’s a kindness I appreciate very much.

And this is where my uncertainty lies. I don’t want to think – well, it seems a lot for people voted for me. I’m sure I’ll be fine!

I also got a call today from my editor at BU Today. He let me know that I’d won a Gold medal in the National CASE awards for my Faith at BU project.

Has the Universe given me something good (which quite honestly I don’t care about too much) to balance out the bad that’s coming? Maybe.

I am prepared with a concession speech, primarily because I think people somehow think I may freak out and I’d like them to know otherwise.

If the members don’t want me on the board anymore, I’ll know soon enough.

{I wrote this post very late this past Wednesday night, then thought I’d published it. I did not. I can ruin the plot for you – I was re-elected. Phew!}