This Again

So, I’ve decided to try and “get back out there” with online dating again. So far I feel as I always do – that I do not care about any of these strangers and can’t fathom that I ever will.

I know what you’re thinking – That’s the spirit, Cyd!

Yesterday I got this message “Hi there, anyone home? This isn’t a knock-knock joke..haha. Just saying “hi” – don’t know if you’re actually friendly or just smiling for the camera. You seem nice, I’m Jerome.​​”

For those who are fortunate enough to have no clue how online dating works, the “smiling” he’s referring to are in photos in my profile. Everyone on a dating site has a little profile in which you answer some questions, talk a little bit about yourself and what you’re looking for, and provide some photos.

Jerome’s message reminds me of solicitors who stand on Commonwealth Ave here in Boston, and as you approach, they ask “Are you friendly?!” as a way to get you to talk to them. It’s sneaky, see, because if you say “no” it means you’re admitting that you’re not friendly, which makes me most people feel bad about themselves. If you say “WELL, YES I SURE AM FRIENDLY!” you’re now stuck listening to a lecture about the plight of the albino naked molerat in the Amazon which is important to you but not enough that you wanna stand there and glaze over during the long schpeal and then give cash you don’t physically have on you, or sign-up to donate your brain to science or whatever when you die.

“don’t know if you’re actually friendly or just smiling for the camera”  

I am judgy. I admit that. It’s not something I’m proud of, it’s not something I like about myself, but I also struggle to change this trait. (I welcome advice on how to counter this affliction). Maybe he’s nervous, maybe he doesn’t know what to say, maybe he thinks it’s charming. I just think it’s a weird way to strike-up a conversation with someone. I also put in my profile that I seem unfriendly at first but just take time to warm up (see now, if you’d read that, Jermone, your question would be answered!).

And then there’s this gem..

I like a tall sturdy curvy gal who’s one with the mud (figuratively or literally) & likes art & shaking a leg outdoors.
I now live in boston area & wouldn’t mind a biking, banter, hill-trudging, cemetery-skulking, mainstream media-mocking, and tattoo-painting pal. I like rousing gab, odd art, biking, woods, prose, a gloriously dark brooding overcast (perfect art subject/muse), robust curves (perfect for hugging & painting on), and anything esoteric, eggheaded, heretical, subversive, tactile, woodsy, artistic, serene.
I’m an ambassador for tattoo-painting trying to introduce folks to the wondrous, relaxing feel of a soft paintbrush dabbing & gliding across the skin (i love ‘ttoo-painting both as painter & paintee). I use tempera paint, watercolor, & henna. If such unabashed sensuality, blasphemous hedonism doesn’t make you hightail it for the hills, hoot back.

Dude, you’re not “tattooing” anybody, your just painting people. I am both “sturdy” and “curvy”, for sure, but making this your point of interest does not grab my attention (in a positive way).

And also, thank you for a very long paragraph about all the things YOU want, rather than asking a question about me. Again, I love when men send an impersonal message to me which has clearly been a cut-and-paste job.

Online dating isn’t fun. Clearly, I have an attitude problem, but I’ve also done expensive research in this arena. I get men too young to rent a car contacting me for some “cougar” action. Men regularly call me “gorgeous” which I do not want to hear from anyone I’m not close to.

I just looked at one photo on a man’s profile and the caption read “about to take the Polar Plunge” in Florida. There will never be a polar plunge in Florida. It’s Florida. There’s nothing polar about it.

See?! So judgy! I wouldn’t date me either.

Stay tuned, all, this is gonna be super fun!