Not a Fun Day, Sunday

Today was not a good day. It’s getting better, well after the sun has gone down now, but I wasn’t good.

I woke with a message from my 5PM date telling me that he couldn’t meet me because he’d decided to see where things will go with another woman he’s gone on a few dates with, and that he hopes I understand. Of course I do, I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much time messaging with the guy (the guy who mentioned just the other night that he doesn’t usually message so much with people, but that I ask really interesting questions).

Men love answering questions about themselves.

I am rather proud of how I handled this recent exchange however (different match). To provide context, my “bio” says that I’m not looking to date an alcoholic or drug user, I love dogs, and prefer guys who are taller than me (I add in a “I know this is shallow but I’ve done the research…”)…

I mean, this guy literally just sent me an obnoxious first message for no apparent reason. Still, as my friend Lauren said “You should thank him for giving you an opportunity to fine-tune your snark! Best response!”

Back to today. I’ve put on a few pounds over the last year or so and for the most part I take it in stride, feeling strongly about not shaming myself for not having the best control when it comes to food. While sweets are my downfall, I don’t eat a lot of fried foods and try to avoid rice, pasta and pizza. But for a little while now, I’ve felt really defeated and disgusted with myself.

It poured today which undoubtedly contributed to my soggy mood, and looking around on Facebook for something to occupy my mind was no help since it just brought me more sad things; red tide killing sea life in Florida, a video about a dog abandoned on the side of the road by it’s shitty owner, more stories about sexual harassment in the workplace which makes me so angry, and on and on.

I searched around on YouTube for a page called Yoga with Adriene. I heard about her channel on YouTube and thought that I could at least get some yoga in. I don’t use YouTube often, but I clearly had made a list of favorite videos in the past which could be found on my page. On that page listing my favorites, I stumbled on two songs that had a great significance back when I was dating someone I actually cared about.

My blue mood, my lack of motivation, sad news of the world, everything…add that song and I was done. Back to a place where big fat tears rolled like nobody’s business.

I went to the basement for reasons I don’t remember, and before I knew it, I was pulling out a few of the five rather large boxes of toys and books that I have in my posession from my childhood. Suddenly I’m looking at these books and wondering why the hell I have them. I was never a very good reader, but they stir something up in me and I can’t bring myself to toss them. But why keep them? I don’t have kids to enjoy them, they will sit in my basement and continue to grow mold, and then they’ll be really useless.

And the toys. The cabbage patch dolls, the wrinkle puppy, the mon chichi monkeys. The My Little Ponies which aren’t selling for much on ebay these days anyway. What kid’s gonna want a yellowing, old toy? But still, I hold onto them.

I knew better than to throw it all out. In my emotional state, I knew I’d be sorry.

I unpacked some of them to air them out and repack them up. It’s not like they are taking up space I need in the basement anyway.

I decided too that I would go to yoga. Still feeling blue and weepy, I felt that I can still feel like garbage but at least I will have moved a bit and gotten myself out into the world and around other people.  Since having my hip issues over the past year or more I haven’t been to yoga. I went online to sign up for the Sunday afternoon class and their price jump of $18 from $11 a class added to my grump factor. So that was a bummer.

I had a lot of dueling emotions today – wanting to get rid of my old books and toys while reflecting on what my mind was like back when I played with those toys. And in yoga – being proud that I was trying hard in class, and weak and defeated at the same time.

As the class began to wind-down, I felt my eyes well with tears. I couldn’t figure out why my emotions were running away from me. Was I that relieved that the hour of yoga was ending? As I lay there during cool down, all theses thoughts and memories came to me; the hurt I felt a few years back in the wake of my break-up, standing at Susan’s graveside, etc. It was the strangest thing and I tried to push them out. Then I realized, the studio had this melodic, sappy-ass music playing and that’s when I knew – the music was poking at my feelings.

So I wiped my face and went home and now I’m poking at making some salted brown butter blondies to bring into work. I needed to get rid of the chocolate chips somehow. Otherwise I’ll just eat ’em.

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