Most of the Time I’m Fine

but right now I am not.

On Friday I got up from my couch and felt a searing pain through my heel. My Googling concluded it’s likely plantar fasciitis, caused by my exercising every other day and I’m sure not helped by the fact that I have worn slippers for 90% of my life these past ten months.

Making macarons is a fun/frustrating distraction, but I don’t think the very sugary results are always welcome by friends and family. It’s not exactly healthy stuff. I freeze them and save them for days like today. I made plans with my friend for a distanced coffee visit later this morning. I pulled out the three different kinds of macarons I have stored in my freezer and made a special bag just for her, labeled with the flavors and tied with a nice bow. I skipped my morning coffee so I wouldn’t be bouncing off the walls after having one with her. I showered, washed and dried my hair, put on decent clothes and prepared to bundle up for the weather.

Then she canceled for the about the fifth time in a row. This cancelation made me realize how very lonely I am.

Mostly I am fine. I have no one to crowd me, no demands being put on me by little ones. A lovely home and a full fridge.

I am grateful.

I also have no one to keep me company. No one to gripe to and chat with. I see someone I care about in person at a distance probably once every two or three weeks. And every time it is because I made it happened.

I got a reminder alert on my phone for “friend zoom” yesterday and thought well, if no one else speaks up, I’m not getting in touch with them to make it happen and that zoom didn’t happen. Fine with me.

Here’s the thing, I know everyone is stressed. Most of my friends are moms and I totally get that. Jobs to deal with, spouses to work with, children to care for. I do not fault them for not checking in on me.

But it is Both-And; My friends can be overwhelmed with life and the pandemic and all the things they are dealing with and I understand that and do not blame them, AND I am also lonely.