Back in the (Really Uncomfortable) Saddle

A friend of mine told me over dinner the other night that while he knew the dating scene was miserable, he knew he’d hear good stories. It sounds like an insensitive comment, but I get where he’s coming from.

I’ve been back on the online dating scene for a few weeks and it’s already been an exercise in fragile male ego.

Raj and I exchanged a few messages. I asked a travel question and he mentioned South America. I responded that I’d only been to Columbia, and then I asked some other questions and shared other stuff about myself.

The first sentence of his response read “Yeah, Colombians don’t really like it when you spell the name of their country wrong”

A complete stranger shamed me and corrected my spelling. At this point, I’m not interested in being rude, but I’ve had it with putting on a smile, figuratively speaking or not, to not hurt men’s feelings.

I responsponded “Yes, spelling errors happen. I don’t think pointing it out was a very kind thing to do, but it teaches me something about you, so…”

He then responded by answering unrelated questions and making no reference to (what I perceive to be) his rudeness.

Delete. (I just don’t care about polite exits anymore.)

Robert is a flight attendant who is brand new to Boston. After maybe two sentences of messaging he said “I would love to see more of (Boston) with you!”. For me, this is too much from a stranger who I’ve essentially exchanged no more than “How are you?” and “How’s Boston treating you so far?” I’d really prefer a casual coffee date suggestion first. So, I just sort of, walked away from that one.

A few days later, he messaged again, “Hey how are you? Haven’t heard from you in a while”

I confess to him (because I’m done with catering to men’s feelings), “If I’m honest, your message of ‘I’d love for you to show me all of Boston’ was a bit intense for me considering we really don’t know each other.”

A woman tells a man she’s been made uncomfortable by his words, and does he respond with respect and understanding? With hope to clarify? You know better, reader. He responds with anger. Pretty much every time. And this asshole was no different, sending back a couple paragraphs peppered with statements like “Are you judging me?!” and “You need to learn how to read english!”

The only thing that is constant is change. And male fragility.

Another potential date is 40, and I had some hesitancy around dating a guy 7 years younger than me. Somehow it feels like there’s a big difference between 40 and 47 when the woman is the 47-year old, but maybe that’s society speaking. I was messaging back with him, but with some reticence. Leading into last weekend, he messaged me that “It’s hard to get to know someone on these apps. Let’s get together when you’re back in town. What’s your number? Mine’s (he gives me his number)”

Now, I basically have a rule that I do not give my number out until a date is scheduled. Maybe I’ll share my number when the date is confirmed on the day of. Sometimes I don’t even do that. Sometime numbers are shared after I meet in person. The messaging app in the dating site is fine. I don’t need someone texting me whenever they want to and me feeling pressure to respond immediately. To a stranger.

Two days after I return from my visit to see Meg, he messages me again. “Hey hope all is well!”

This is a very fair message. He has asked me out, offered his number, asked for mine, and I have not responded. I don’t really want to meet him, that’s the reality. But, I don’t want to meet anyone, so I fight this feeling, and respond with something like “I’m well! Would you like to meet for a drink or something? I’m free tonight or tomorrow night. It looks like Arlington is a good halfway place to meet”

He responds with “I can do tomorrow. If you don’t mind coming to me in Watertown, we can meet at X coffee shop and take a walk with my dog”

I’ve just suggested/requested we meet in the middle, and his response is to request I drive to him. 40 minutes away.

Hell no. I tell him I could do Watertown the next day right after work (because it’s not too far from BU), or I can meet in the middle in Arlington later in the evening.

To which he responded;

I love when people say “no offense” because it’s always followed by an insult. I responded (“”Jibber” is a funny typo. I meant “number”);

Humans are funny. I don’t know what he’s been through, he doesn’t know my experience. His comments are interesting because I have literally never stood anyone up, not even when I didn’t want to go out with them.

I wish I could share some profile photos because many men’s profile photo choices are truly befuddling to me. But of course I would never do that. I REALLY wish I could share the bare chested photo a guy put in his profile to show off his giant tattoo which, I can’t make this up, read MASSHOLE across in huge, tacky font, over a huge state of Massachusetts.

Well, at least it’s a good story?

Also, so I don’t sound like a total ass myself, I am messaging with one or two men who seem like perfectly nice individuals. You never know.