Another Stupid Dating Thing*

Well here’s another winner for my book about why dating is horrible.

I met a guy online and after messaging through the app for a bit we agreed to meet. We live a bit far from each other so we were looking to meet in the middle. I suggested two coffee shops and provided their locations and hours, and told him I was free Sunday. In doing I thought I was suggesting that I would like to meet for a casual coffee in the middle of the day.

He responded with “Well do you want coffee or like a beer/wine? How about 5PM?”

I thought to myself, Um, well, I just suggested two coffee shops so I’m thinking I want coffee, but since you’ve ignored my suggestion, it’s clear you want to meet later for a drink. Who’s going to drink coffee in the evening?

This happens a lot to me – I make a suggestion, which in itself is telling the guy what I would like to do, and they ignore my suggestion and offer a different plan.

As always I was annoyed about going to this date. The dates never go anywhere so there is little to get excited about. In fact, while I did ready myself by putting on some makeup and a decent outfit for this date, I didn’t bother showering. I figured he’s gonna like me or not. Whatever.

On the drive there I worked on getting cheery and being a friendly version of myself. He arrived and the conversation was good. He has a good sense of humor, he’s smart, etc. We laughed and joked about how neither of us wanted to come to this date, but that it was worth it!

At the end of the date, he gets up to use the bathroom and as he does so, he gets his face very close to my face as though he’s going to casually kiss me in passing, like you might if you were in a relationship with someone. Weird. I casually moved out of his way. When he came back he sits down and puts his hand on my thigh – again – as though we had this level of intimacy. We did not.

He walked me to my car at the end of the night and we agree a second date would be nice (He was good company and we got along fine enough). Suddenly he started kissing me. Fine, it’s a bit much for a first date for me but whatever. Then he just kept going, again, as if we actually knew each other. As if he believed this is a level of physicality I welcome standing next to my car in a dark parking lot.

I didn’t feel unsafe but it was too much. I laughed a lot at this point because I was uncomfortable. I playfully push him away (because we cannot, by any means, say something to offend the guy or hurt his feelings) and said “OK, that’s good. It’s a first date, one kiss is fine!”

He basically ignored me and started at it again. Jeez, dude. Before long I pushed him away (again, gently because in truth I like him and maybe he’s was just being a bit much in this moment). I told him, “OK I’m going to give you a hug now and go on my way”

I go in for a hug goodnight, annnnd then he starts kissing my neck.

As I drove away I was sort of amused about what happened, but as time passed I got angrier and angrier. I still thought that maybe he’d just gotten ahead of himself and maybe a chat would rectify that, but there was so much about it that bothered me.

I did tell him to stop. I made it clear it was more than I was comfortable with and he ignored me. I was mad at myself for not being clearer and then being mad at myself annoyed me because I shouldn’t have to shove him off me and yell to make my feelings known. I did make my feelings known. (I also kept my hands completely to myself. A very clear indication of discomfort in my opinion but he was too busy doing whatever he wanted to notice my body language).

Being single for so long it’s hard to not assume you’re the common denominator. Many times a guy will say he wants to see me again and then he’ll disappear. I thought this may happen here and as a result I wouldn’t need to address this situation. But for four days he messaged me everyday checking in. It was nice, but also an indicator that a date was actually going to happen. So I had to address this.

I told him via text, “A second date would be nice but I have a stipulation; I’m a very affectionate person once I feel safe and comfortable with someone, but until then I need less physical persistence from you.”

He told me it seemed mutual to him and asked me to elaborate.

I text to him, “I know it feels unclear because it’s not like I pushed you and said “enough!”.  That’s for two reasons; We women are programmed to be nice to men and not hurt their feelings even if we feel uncomfortable, but also I like you and *do* want to get to know you more. It’s not like you were damaging me in some way! After our goodbye I reflected a lot on it. I said a few things by my car to indicate it was more than I was comfortable with for a first date. For example, at one point I laughed, stepped away and said “ok ok it’s a first date. One kiss is good.” To me that’s very clear, but you kept going.”

Before I sent this is took everything in me to not add “I hope that’s OK!” or “Sorry if I’m being extra!” But screw that. I owed him no “sorrys” or softening of statements.

Now to me, the only decent response to this should include something to the effect of “Gosh, I’m sorry I guess I got carried away” or “You’re right I should have been more conscientious” or something like that.

What I got was “Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I tend to take things on the face value, jokingly or not. I feel there shouldn’t be any reading between the lines, for starters, to ensure a strong foundation! It’s all good though, It’s a learning curve! And please do take your time to be comfortable, there’s no rush here! We are adults!“

I have so many issues with this shitty response I’m not sure where to start.

I feel there shouldn’t be any reading between the lines = simply saying “that’s enough” is just not clear enough for me to actually listen to your words and change my behavior.

It’s all good though, It’s a learning curve! = My behavior requires zero accountability, but I forgive you for being so unclear. {gives me a virtual pat on the head} You’ll learn, cricket!

We are adults! Well, in truth I have no effing clue what that’s supposed to mean but I feel like he should listen to his own words and not rub all over his dates in parking lots like a middle schooler.

I festered over this exchange for a while, trying to decide if I wanted to put him in his place or not. I wanted to say “Hey. I’ve decided I don’t want a second date. It’s sunk in that your response essentially says you forgive me for being unclear last weekend. I didn’t do anything that requires forgiveness. I was not unclear. You just didn’t listen when I told you “ok that’s enough”.

But he’s already shown he’s incapable or unwilling to hear me.

Texting with Libby about whether or not to send my response, she said “I hate that we have to modulate our responses for our mental and physical well being from men. It’s such bullshit…Part of me of worries that your response will elicit another response from him that will be bad for your mental health”

She is not wrong. I worried that an honest text would result in being lashed out at and called a bitch, a tease, or crazy.

But I didn’t want to see this creep again, and it’s not my style to just disappear. So I told him “Hey. I’ve been thinking and wanted to let you know that I’ve decided against a second date. It just doesn’t feel right for me. Gut thing I guess. I’m not the ghosting type so I wanted to say something. Good luck”

Most people respond with “Thanks for letting me know. Good luck to you too!”

But no, this guy had to be a dink one last time and respond “You beat me too it! Wish you the best!”

You beat me too it = You telling me you don’t want to see me anymore doesn’t matter because I don’t want to see YOU again! {sticks defiant tongue out….then tries to lick me with it}

{eyeroll}

*not even worth workshoping a good title.