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Prologue; The following is yet another rant about my shitty dating life. They are funny/amusing/weird stories, but to be clear, I share them for that reason. I do not share them because I think these guys are assholes. Well, that’s not true. Some of them are. All single people are trying to figure it out, is what I mean. And in telling these ridiculous stories and sharing my snarky thoughts, it’s not my intention to personally disparage these guys. This is why I fictionalize them by covering up photos and/or using fake names. I just have to say that because when I tell these stories I am aware that I may come off as an un-feeling angry woman and I am not. I make my snarky comments and observations here, but what you don’t see is my friendly banter, good humor, and efforts to be good company and to make these guys feel comfortable around me, even when I am not. These efforts on my part are genuine. I just haven’t found my person yet. Until then, I share these absurd human interactions with the hope that they entertain you in some way, and that someday I will no longer have them to share.

Here we go. Another installment of Stories From Cydney’s Dating Life. Get comfortable.

Let’s start with these two profiles. There’s nothing wrong about the profiles and perhaps these are perfectly nice men, I just find it endlessly amusing when men can’t find the time to use any punctuation in their dating profiles. I mean, the period and comma are right there. Right next to the letters! Does one have time for a relationship if there’s no time for punctuation?

Somehow James’ punctuation-free sentence amuses me and perhaps there are women who swoon at the thought of their man owning a Jeep Wrangler, but I am not one of them. I find it interesting that this is his lead sentence. As for David here who enjoys “A day at home watching movies with pizza”, I like to envision him sitting on his couch watching a movie in the company of pizza. As in, the pizza is next to him and watching with him.

I wonder if pizzas ask a lot of questions because of confusion over plot lines.

Last week I had a date with a guy I’ll call Jay. He’s a perfectly nice guy who I was not interested in seeing again. A few days later he texted me a “Good morning”.

Sometimes there’s a mutual, unspoken agreement that there will be no second date and I thought that’s what we had, but apparently not and that’s OK. I was distracted with other things though, and later in the day texted him back that he was a very nice guy but I didn’t think he was my guy and I wished him good luck.

He responded “Thanks I was thinking similar” then proceeds to asks me about negative scanners, as though that was the actual reason for him to open with “good morning”. I do a search on amazon like any normal human would and sent him a link. Not rocket science, Jay.

Then we move on to Michael. Michael does some day job and for a hobby he’s a bodybuilder. Not really my “type” but I thought I’d be open minded. (My instinct to be closed-minded was correct. I should have stuck with that.)

I asked him his hot take on steroids and he told me something to the effect of them not being his thing. His rant which I will share shortly has me thinking otherwise.

We chatted a bit a few evenings in a row via messaging on a dating app. He shared with me, unprompted, that there isn’t much to do where he lives out in the suburbs. We chat about this and that, and on our final night of messaging, he brings up again how it’s hard to make friends as an adult and the area where he lives makes it hard. I tell him I agree. It is hard to make friends as an adult. I tell him I hang with high school friends and have managed to make friends with locals as an adult, and that I spend time with my parents. But yes, I agree that connecting with other adults is hard.

He tells me about visiting his parents too, and I jokingly suggest he join a pickleball team, and then share with him how I’ve met other adults. To me, it’s just making conversation.

Michael does not feel the same, apparently. Michael appears to think I am judging him by sharing with him how I’ve made friends. (His messages are in gray, read left to right);

I see. OK, Michael. “Mike” is not welcome and you’re very busy. And for the record, I do not know you so technically I fall under the people who can call you Mike;

I daresay that Michael has been triggered. I’m not sure how I did it, but as you can see, Michael does not like that I shared with him how I met adult friends, because, you guessed it, he keeps going…

To my knowledge I have in no way suggested that the life he’s living is problematic in some way, or that I think he needs changing. I don’t care whether he changes or not. He is a stranger to me. You do you, Michael!

I consider telling him that I don’t recall saying anything to warrant a rant like this, but I can see that this situation is his problem not mine, and I long ago stopped volleying with this kind of bullshit. So I just went with…

So I mean the good thing is that he just saw himself out and I didn’t have to say anything or ghost him so…silver linings?

Now we move on to another date that I had Monday afternoon. I try to avoid evening drink dates. I know afternoon dates are not the most romantic way to start something with someone or meet them for the first time but here’s the thing, by 8PM I want to be on my couch in my sweatpants with my dog, or spending time with my friends, not dolling myself up, battling traffic, searching for parking and dealing with bar crowds to sit with a dude (who really just had to put on a clean shirt) for an hour wondering if I can safely leave my drink unattended so I can go use the bathroom.

I don’t believe the chances of a second date happening are affected by whether you meet over wine or coffee. Either you find each other interesting or you don’t.

So I met a guy I’ll call Terry for some coffee not far from where I live. During our messaging I found him nice enough though a bit boring. I try not to hold this against men too much because I know online and in person can be different. Although now that I think of it, I’ve literally never been on a date with someone and not pegged them exactly according to their messaging skills and photos, but still. I try to be open minded.

Terry also texted me one morning with “Good morning, Sunshine!” (Sidenote, when I told my parents he’d done that they burst into hysterical laughter which really tells you everything you need to know) I’m not into pet names from strangers and I am most decidedly not sunny in the morning.

I walk into the coffee shop and he’s wearing a ballcap. Inside. OK I won’t hold that against him (except I kind of do). I get a coffee and take a seat and we awkward chat for a while as the sun streams through the faintly shaded window straight into my eyes. I’m so distracted and uncomfortable that I suggest we go for a walk so I can actually focus on the conversation.

(I won’t mention that maybe the person in the ballcap could have offered to switch seats with me but for real, the person in the ballcap could have offered to switch seats with me)

I read somewhere that it can be intimidating to sit across from someone new and try to make conversation. So, I try and do things that have me next to my date. ‘Works great actually. It takes off the pressure of trying to figure out how much eye contact is the right amount. Do I look friendly and like I’m trying to connect, or am I looking away too often and seeming disinterested, or am I holding gaze too long like a serial killer? These are important distinctions to make.

So we walk around the neighborhood and enjoy some boring conversation while struggling to find anything in common. I tell him about a show I’m watching and how I find it interesting because it’s a comedy, but the main character disassociates throughout the show because of trauma. I’m intrigued by the way the show addressed and portrays her problems. I mention this because the human condition is interesting to me. He chuckles at my observation about the show.

I’m not sure why it was funny.

There are a lot of moments like this. I say something not funny and he laughs, I say something funny and there’s no reaction. I chalk this up to english not being his first language.

He talks a lot about his ex-girlfriend. I don’t mind if the stories are ways for me to learn about the other person a bit. IE “I went on a zipline tour with my ex a while back and it was so scary! I hate heights but I really enjoyed it because…” you get the idea. Terry was walking on the line of talking about the actual relationship, and I think that’s kind of weird.

Eventually we sit down back outside the coffee shop where we started. We were at Assembly Row where there are a lot sculptures of distressed metal, sort of reminiscent of some kind of mill or factory. The coffee table in front of us, discoloured and dented, mimics this style and he says “This table is in horrible condition!” I inform him it’s intentionally distressed to keep in style with the vibe of the place and I silently judge him for not only not taking in this new-to-him information by saying something like “I see”, but by also following up that it’s dangerous somehow to have a dented metal table out in the world where capable grown-ups are burdened with navigate around it.

Zero aesthetic sense and very danger-averse. Note taken.

He then takes his laptop out to check on something work related real quick, because apparently doing this in the company of a new person is an excellent idea.

I’ll skip ahead now because I’m bored so you must definitely be bored.

He walks me to my car, and while he’s a nice enough guy who I may very well go out with again because I don’t feel compelled to judge him entirely on this one relatively lame encounter (and I’ll point out that it takes two to be lame. Perhaps was uninteresting to him, too!), I choose to not hug him. He texts me shortly after, asking me out again and I agree. I tell him it would be great if we could reconnect until after commencement in a few weeks because things are hectic at work until then. He agrees.

Now after a first date is over I go on with my life. I run the errand I wanted to and head home and settle in. This is not a point where I want to still be communicating with the person at length. I expended energy keeping a conversation going with a new person for at least an hour and now it’s quiet time. Check in in a few days maybe? I don’t know. But I’m not looking to text back and forth that same day. I have navel gazing to do.

As I am making my dinner, he texts me, “I am a romance guy. ..I love kissing and snuggle, touching lol. i meant after both feel comfortable. Just telling in case you’re not into those then I am not your guy. I am little shy at the beginning.. but I like those a lot”

Well who doesn’t enjoy some kind of contact with their partner? What the hell is this about?

Again, english is not Terry’s first language and I do not fault him for that, but I am direct quoting because I AM A JOURNALIST!

He continues “I am looking for (a long term relationship). But I still think romance including mental and physical is important for me. I don’t want to waste your time. Just upfront. Kind of don’t know 100 % want you’re looking (for)”

My profile says I’m looking for a relationship and what makes him think I do not want romance? Because we had a nice friendly chat over coffee minus some necking?

He keeps going.

“Also I still have good sex drive.. I know some people don’t when they get older..Regardless of man or woman”

I didn’t ask, Terry. It was just coffee and a chat. You’re putting the cart way before the horny horse. I tell him I am affectionate when I’m in a relationship.

Then he asks “Have you dated any Indian guy ?”

“Why? Is that important to know? A prerequisite? 😂” I message back, “I have not had a relationship with an Indian man. I have been on many first dates with Indian men. Multiple dates with a few”

(In my head) Why is this relevant, Terry? I have chicken to cook for dinner.

He continues “Hahaha. Not at all. Just curious to know. I already told you I was in a relationship with white girl. One or two ladies told me indian guys are touchy lmao.. I think we are. We (are) from kamasutra country lol”

(In my head) Why are you still texting me about this, Terry?

So I think, if he’s going to keep annoying me about this I’ll be honest with him. I tell him “The last Indian man I went on a date with continued to kiss me and grab at me even after I joked (or rather, kindly told him to stop by saying) “ok that’s enough. It’s just the first date!”. But I think that was because he was an asshole. Not because he’s Indian”

At this point I try to get him off topic by sending him a photo of my dog.

But it doesn’t work. How?! How does this not work? Look at that face!

“sorry to hear.. yeah.. some guys don’t understand there is another person involved in romance or sex.. just selfishness. I don’t normally touch a woman in first date until she want it .. I know woman need some time get comfortable to be physical. But I just felt I should have at least kiss you once to show that I like you 😘 ” and then he pries about about my last shitty dating experience, “Did he (do that) in the coffee shop?”

(In my head) So you normally don’t touch a woman on a first date, but you felt you should have at least kissed me to show that you like me?

I tell him “No you shouldn’t have (tried to kiss me). I wasn’t giving you first kiss vibes and I don’t generally give them either on a first date. That last crap experience was unusual and he took the opportunity to grossly overstep. And where it took place doesn’t matter”

“Yeah.. (You) didn’t (give) me the first kiss vibes. I respect your feeling and not even ask to hug
Sorry. I just asked (about where the event with that other guy tooks place) because it’s really rude in a public place”

So me not hugging or kissing him after coffee made him unsure about whether I was interested in him is the impression I got from this unnecessary conversation. I’d say that agreeing to meet again is signal enough, but I guess not?

And not for nothing but if this is you flirting, your flirting game sucks, Terry.

I tell him “Groping someone and kissing them when they ask you to stop is rude anywhere. ‘Gonna sign off to eat my dinner. Thanks again for the coffee and nice chat today!”

And then this morning I texted him I was no longer interested in a second date because I am, in fact, no longer interested in a second date.